It can't be undone

Chapter 1
Hammer nail hammer nail. The pattern was consistent, place a nail in the correct spot then swing the hammer and hit it the head into it’s place in line. It was therapy to the man who was swinging the hammer. He was building the frame of the house he planned to live in from that day forward. The plans had been designed many years ago then discarded when another opportunity arose, but now that the incident had taken place he felt the need to escape from that world and start fresh elsewhere.

The man had driven many hours in an old beaten pick up truck with building supplies in the back, searching for the place to start over. He had found that spot high up in the mountains. It was a stunning alcove that over looked the North Sea. All around him was the true beauty of earth. No sky rises, concrete jungles, and none of the people he never wanted to see again. The man had told no one where he had gone. He left his computer, his phone, and any other device that would allow someone to communicate with him. He didn’t want to be found. Not until he felt at ease with himself after what had occurred.

The plan for the house was simple. It consisted of the basic needs and nothing more. It had always been his ideal place of serenity. The frame took shape quickly, he had been working on it since the breaking of dawn and it showed. Sweat drops glistened down his shirtless back. Muscles ached from the long day of hard labor. The sun had burned him, but he didn’t care, it would be a deep tan in the morning. He was proud. Proud because of what he had accomplished, but there was still that twinge of sorrow, he knew that he would always feel it. It would be his constant companion from now on, he just hopped it would get easier, but it wouldn’t.

Day after day he did the same thing, he would rise with the sun, build his home from the inside out until the sun sunk back behind the mountains again. He was meticulous about every detail. Making sure that no surface was left un-sanded or corner primed and painted. He knew how to do it all; he had trained to do such work. It would have been his profession, he had plans to open a business where he would design homes and then build them and landscape them. But that fell through and he found himself placing those ideas into boxes in the carriage to gather dust.

Soon the frame became walls and the walls became rooms and the rooms became a house, but that house would only be a house. It could never become a home. It was lacking another warm body and it would forever.

The man had completed the house. It was a modest thing and it would suit his needs to perfection and nothing else. It would not create a family, it would not bring him comfort, it would not change his past, it would not have a warm heat beating, but it would do most everything else which is all he could hold on to.

Chapter 2

Most nights he would wrap himself up in the quilt his grandmother had made for him and sit out on the little deck staring up at the moon. The moon was always something to stare at, it would stare right back at you and it would always win. The man used to enjoy staring at the moon when we had the hand of his love next to him. They would drive out of the city and find a hill and climb to the top of it. He would bring the old quilt and they would snuggle together under the warmth and just breath in each other’s aromas and enjoy the feeling of being close. He couldn’t feel that anymore. A chill ran up his spin and a few tears were shed. Soon he stood and entered into the house and attempted to fall asleep. He knew what would come, and so he tried to prolong going to bed to minimize the hurt.

As soon as he closed his eyes and his breathing settled the images would flood his mind. Long tan arms and a smile that would melt the sun. Hands intertwined together and sandy beaches and bare feet. It would all blend together and create a movie that was on repeat. But toward the end it would slow and there was always the blinding light, the stinging of glass, the crushing of metal and the blood-curling scream. He was always there and would see the light diming in the eyes of his love the deep mahogany brown dulling till it was a shadow of what it once was.

It was then that he would awake, gripping his sheets so hard that they almost tore from the deep pressure of his callused hands. He would look down and release his grip and then flashes of when his love would trace the lines of his hand would come rushing in. It was often too much for him and he would break down and cry. He wouldn’t try to stop it, there was no point, it would hurt just as much if he didn’t cry. So he let the tears gently caress his check until they would no longer come. Then he would start his day, but he always wished it was over sooner then it was.

Often he would grab his drawing pad and charcoals, never pencils because he felt they were not real enough for nature, and go to the meadow and draw. He would draw the trees around him or the tall swaying grass, the clouds in the sky, or the animals that dwelled within the forest. It was something he wished he could have shared more often Andi.

Andi was always surprising him with hidden talents. Water coloring, baking, sailing. Anything that Andi touched turned to gold and grew and developed to something incredible and indescribable. He longed for Andi’s touch, to be held, caressed, loved. He wanted it all the good and the bad, but he would never get that back. Not after what happened. He would never forgive his so called friends, they convinced Andi to go with them, he knew that it was not a good idea, but once Andi’s mind is made up, there is nothing you can do to change it. It just can’t be undone.

Chapter 3

One day the man awoke from his painful slumber, he took an ice cold shower to try and rid the images from his mind. The water didn’t prevail it just left him shivering and the images still bounced around like billiard balls on a table once they’ve been hit. Constantly hitting the sides and rolling back and forth. One minuet the man could sit and eat enjoying the silence and the next he could be hearing the scream. It was as if he was being branded like a calf, but in the heart. He decided to go for a hike to the cliff to gaze out at the sea hoping to vacate any memories.

The hike only took an hour and was fairly easy. The wind had picked up and was blowing all around him. The smell of the salt from the sea was heavy and the air was thick with humidity. He sat on the edge of the cliff and stared out the tide as it rolled in and out of the coast. It was hypnotizing and soon the man felt the effects, he laid down on the rocks and closed his eyes.

His dream was new, this time he was inside the car next to Andi. Andi was laughing and smiling at him, telling him what they had done in the pub. It was clear to the man that Andi was wasted as well as his friends. They were slurring their words and couldn’t keep upright. The man was never in the car when the incident had occurred; he was outside waiting for a taxi, because the other car was full. He told Andi to go with the others, and that he would follow behind in a taxi. Andi was gracious and tired to convince him other wise saying the he should get in the car, but the drunken state made it difficult and Andi decided to just get in the car.

The man should have thought to drive that car himself, they were all drunk, but he wasn’t thinking. He was so enamored by the response Andi had given him earlier in the day by agreeing to Marry him that he was on his own little high. He saw the whole thing happen. The car they were in entered the traffic and then it all slowed down, he saw the light from the truck flash across his eyes, he heard the low honk, the screeching of tires on wet pavement, the glass shards spraying, the distorted metal crunching, and that short painful scream.

The man awoke breathing extremely hard, his heart was rapidly beating against his chest and sweat was trickling down his forehead. The man whipped the sweat only to look at his hands and see they were bleeding. During the man’s nap his hands had found nearby rocks and he and gripped them so tightly that he cut his hands. Instead of crying he was furious. He stood up and started chucking rocks off the cliff. He threw with all his might. Soon he couldn’t handle it and collapsed on his knees and began to weep. He cried, shouted, swore, and drained himself emotionally.

Night soon fell and he dragged himself up and back to his house. At the edge of the clearing where his house looked out to the sea he paused and tried to gather himself. It was a hell of a day, and he believed that it would only get worse. He wanted to be with Andi. He wanted to stop reliving the horror of that night. He wanted to die.

Chapter 4

Could he do it? Could he actually put himself in such a place as to commit suicide? Probably. But what would he do? Throw himself off the cliff? Cut himself till he bleed to death? Poison himself? None of those options he felt would do Andi any justice. The man wanted something simple and easy and he knew what it would be. There was a long piece of rope sitting in the bed of his truck from when he had driven up here with all his build supplies. It had been used to tie it all down. Now it would be used again, but for a much different purpose.

He carried it inside his house and hung it on the back of his lone chair. His mother would never forgive him for this and he wanted to do his best to console her, if he should ever be found. So he wrote a simple letter. He explained the tragedy of his lost love Andi and how he could no longer bring himself to suffer the constant suffering. It was short and blunt, but he felt it would do.

He placed the paper on the table and then dragged the chair with the rope to the closest rafter. Tossing the rope over the top he let it swing back and forth until it stopped. He thought of how he would swing like that until he stopped. His heart would stop and he would stop hurting.

The man was quick to tie the looped knot and slide it up to the appropriate position. He then took the other end of the rope and fastened it to the table. He took one last look around the house that he had built. It was basically empty except for the few things he had brought. He looked over to the fireplace where on the mantel stood one picture frame. He crossed the room and stood in front of that picture. Raising his hand he gently ran it across the glass to brush of any dust and to look one last time at Andi and him. It was an ideal picture. Both were smiling and were genuinely happy. It was taken only a few weeks prior to the accident. The man smiled a bit and then kissed the frame and whispered ‘ I’ll be with you soon.’

He placed the picture back and walked back to the chair. Taking a deep breath he stood up on the chair and placed the loop around his neck. Looking around for the last time he wished his life had been different, but he knew what he about to do couldn’t be undone. Taking a deep breath in he inched his foot forward. At the exact second he was about to step off the chair and take his life, he heard the small knock at the door.

It caused him to pause. Never since the time he had built the home had anyone knocked on his door. He waited to see if another knock would follow. Seconds ticked and nothing was heard. The man debated with himself to just jump or to see to the door. He finally decided that he would get down and check the door. If it was nothing he would immediately come back and hang himself. Stepping back onto the chair he removed the rope and stepped down on to the ground.

The front door was only a few feet from him but he couldn’t seem to move. He stared at it with vast trepidation. Who would be there? How had they found him. Questions kept pouring into his mind, but he soon realized that the loner he questioned the longer it would be until he was with Andi. The man cautiously crossed the floor to the door. He placed his shaking hand on the handle and turned it.

Chapter 5

Nobody. Not one living thing with a heartbeat or a pulse stood on his doorstep. Instead there was a small brown package tied with string and his name written in black sharpie on top. The man ran outside and down the dirt road in hopes of finding the person who was responsible for this. He ran until he meet the tiny paved highway. It was barren. No cars, no people, no anything.

Confused the man returned to his house to the porch where the package still lay. He debated with himself on whether to open it or disregard it and go back to the rope. The final decision was that he had all afternoon for the rope so he picked up the package and carried it inside to his bedroom. He placed it on the bed and sat next to it. What was inside? How did it get here?

The man soon could no longer question the package and decided it was time to open it. He tore off the brown paper and discarded the string. It was an old shoebox with a rubber band around it and a note attached on top. The man gingerly pulled the paper from the rubber band and gasped!

To My Guy,

If you have received this package it is because I am no longer with you. When I first met you I was a taken back by your pure beauty. And then you chose me when you could have had anyone. Through out our time together I have been writing you letters. Some are about my day and others are things I want you to do. They are included in this package and are labeled as to when you should open them. Everyday when you wake up that is the most perfect time to open one and read it. I want you to know that I love you with all that my heart has to give. I may not be there right now, but I have never left you. All you have to do is listen and feel. I love you my guy.

Love your Andrew

Guy let the paper fall from his hands. He watched it slowly float and twist to the floor. How had Andi known? He had almost committed suicide, but was saved by Andi and Andi wasn’t even here. Guy stood up and rushed into the other room. He untied the rope, kicked the chair over and pulled the rope down. It hit the floor with a loud thud. Guy grinned and took hold of the rope and stormed out to his deck. There was one of the most beautiful sunsets falling over the horizon casting stunning shades of purple and red over the tops of the trees surrounding the little house. Guy tied the rope into one massive knot and then ran. He ran off the deck to practically the edge of the cliff. Just as it seemed his was about to jump he threw the rope into the abyss.

It tumbled and twisted and fell. Guy never wanted to see that damn rope again, because he had a new start. He felt Andi with him and he wanted to keep that. It was a new beginning and the past just can’t be undone.

Guy marched back up to the house and found the little box and searched for the first letter. He set it out by his bed for the morning. For once he wanted to go to bed. He knew that the images of dreams past would not haunt him tonight.

-Letters-

Good Morning Sweetheart,

I hope you are still in bed, wrapped up in the covers feeling warm. It is important that you do as I tell you to in these letters. First I want you to stretch your body. Lay deep in the comfort of the bed and stretch; relieve the tension in your shoulders that have been built up over these past few weeks. Yes I know how you are, you have probably gone off somewhere to be alone, well good, but now you are all tense and I hate that and it won’t do you any good. Have you done that yet? Alright now I want you to go about your morning tasks, shower, eat breakfast and once you have done that then you can continue to read.

Now I want you to feel me. I know you are sitting there with an amused face and your thinking how the fuck can I do that? Well here is how. I want you to go outside and go into the woods and find a clearing where the sun shines and the grass grows lush and is a deep green. Are you there yet? Okay take off your shoes. Yes take them off you baby. Now squish your toes in the dirt feel the earth. Take in deep breaths of the fresh air. Dance, dance all around and feel the beauty of the earth. I love it when you dance, you always know how to make me smile even if you are making a fool of yourself. Okay now lie down put your ear to the ground and listen. Shh don’t be a fool and say you can’t hear anything, just be patient and listen. Do you hear it? That is the pulse of the earth and the heartbeat of everything. That is me. I am still with you, everywhere you go I am all around you. I love you very much! Don’t open the next letter until you feel you need it.

Love, Your Andi!

Guy,

You must be ready if you’re reading this. Today I want you to be free. To feel the wind and feel your heart race like mine does when I see you. I want you to do something reckless, something I always wanted us to do together. I have already paid for you to go skydiving so you can’ say no. Go jump and let your body feel weightless and live, I will be there right alongside with you. I will feel the air rip through your hair and see your smile emerge from hiding. I can’t wait Guy. As always the next letter is ready for when you are.

Andrew

Dear you,

I hope you are happy, how are you really? Today you are going to write how you felt after my accident. In this package there is a black sharpie and paper, take them out and write your emotions, thoughts, and desires on the paper. I know you had a lot of feelings that day. Have you gotten them all out? I don’t want anything left unturned. Okay gather all of the papers up and go outside. Walk to a cliff that overlooks the sea. Now take one of the papers, read the words that you wrote. Now shout them at the top of your lungs while tearing the paper up and letting it fall. It feels good doesn’t it? Just letting it all go. Repeat the process for all the pieces of paper. Thank you for being brave Guy. I know it hurts and you are missing me, I am missing you too. There is only one letter left. This is the most important letter I have written you. Like in the past only when you are ready do I want you to read it?
Me

Dearest Guy,

I hope these letters have helped you know that I am still here with you. I have never left you and will always be her with you. Today you need to leave this place. I know you are not near friends and it is time that you go back. You need to forgive and forget. I want you to find the people who you feel did you wrong. I don’t care if it was there fault or yours, you will never heal if you feel any kind of angst toward anyone. I’m sure they feel just as awful as you do. So for me and for you, please let it go and be free and be able to be a human again. We all make mistakes, were not perfect, and it’s never easy. I love you and I want you to be happy, I want you to love again. Don’t feel tied down because of me, I know you love me, but you can love others beside me. Forgive, and move on. But remember I love you and will always be here for you!

Missing you and waiting to see you again, Andrew


-Square One-

Guy packed what little he wanted to take back with him in the rusty truck. He took one last look at the house he built. He was right; it would never be a home, just a house to him. But he would leave the key in the door for someone else to come upon it and make it his or her home.

With the box of letters on the seat next to him, he took off down the mountain back to London. He was quick with the drive only stopping for gas and the bathroom. He drove and drove until he reached his destination. It was his and Andrews’s apartment they had shared. He hadn’t been there in year and it showed. There was dust and a pile of post that blocked the door. Guy pushed his way into the apartment and stood in the doorway and looked around. It was just as he had left it, dishes in the sink, shoes tossed by the door, bass leaning against the couch, and constant reminders of Andrew everywhere. Guy took a deep breath and began the purge of his past life. He was doing what Andrew wanted and starting over. He cleaned and cleared the reminders until it was just a shell of what use to be there.

Satisfied he grabbed his bass and tuned it. It buzzed with a brilliant sound as he played. He played Andrews favorite song, Stand by Me, for the last time. He let the last note ring out and then placed the bass down. He walked over to the fireplace and lit a fire. Guy watched it burn for a little while before he walked over to the counter and took the box of letters and returned to the fire.

“Goodbye Love, you have helped me overcome mountains, and I will always be grateful for you. You stood by me through the thick and thin and never faltered like I did. I am going to try and move on. I know it will be difficult, but I need to do it. I wont be afraid because you will always stand by me. I love you Andrew, I always will.” Guy stood still and then tossed the box into the fire. He watched it burn until it was completely gone. That part of his life was done and he was back to square one.

Guy had one more thing to do. He got back into the old truck and drove until he reached the familiar sight. Taking a deep breath he got out of the truck and walked up the steps. Piano could be heard from the steps of the porch; Guy listened for a bit and then gathered his courage and rang the bell.

The door opened and there stood a bewildered Chris. Guy looked up at him and threw his arms around him. “I’m sorry.” Was all Guy was able to whisper out and it was all that was needed. Guy knew that Andrew was smiling somewhere and he knew that he would all right. What happened happened. It’s in the past and it can’t be undone. All that can be done is to move forward, to live, love and be.